What Happen??

Did you know? It's been two years since my last post on here! Very sad!! (I tried blogging on WordPress for a bit, but... that never really panned out, either.) It's fitting that I think a few days ago was Mental Health Awareness Day, 'cos this post should do that proud. I wanna be real with y'all. It's been a long while since I've acted as a good friend to most (or even as a friend at all), and... I just wanna apologise for that. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself for my behaviour in the past several (like, five) years, but I also gotta acknowledge that it was less than ideal, even for me! I wanna be more engaged with everyone, always. I hate bein' that dumbass that always lurks, I swear!! However, I don't know if in this point in my life I can promise consistency. I'd really like to, I wanna try, but all the other times in life I thought I was gonna be good for a long while... I'd fall off again. It sucks!! But at least I've learned to be realistic with myself and my expectations during those times. I'll be cautiously optimistic, and try to use this time to spell everything out for y'all. 

For those of y'all who ain't in the know (or perhaps... I've just not ever been suuuuper public aside from maybe Twitter about all these things??), I have depression, generalised anxiety, horrible allergies, God knows what else, and the worst of it has by far been Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and my Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) coupled together. Chronic illness(es) is a bitch. I was basically disabled for the past five years. I know I didn't talk about this much especially. I hate being a downer, man! I had no energy whatsoever, I was just always tired and sickly-feeling... always wishing to be put out of my suffering. I had so many dreams and ambitions that I couldn't act upon. I wasn't fulfilling myself anymore. Of course my physical health impacted my mental health as well, no damn wonder. 

I finally got my gallbladder removed, which turned out to be the cause of my "IBS" (it wasn't a true case of it), and things in that regard have improved so much!! I'm so damn glad and grateful. Still can't eat certain fried foods, dairy, too much sugar, or certain fats, but whateva', I don't really need those no-how! I also have recently found that Ritalin works well for managing my CFS. I had taken Adderall for a long while there (a year and a half, maybe??), and that was equally as helpful! ... But it also made me highly antisocial and easily aggravated, and eventually with it, I lost too much weight and it started to make me sick. I felt weak, shaky, unable to function, woozy, nauseated... the works! Hoo!! It sucked extra much since it also was quite expensive, even with insurance. I kinda gave up on stimulants after that. Literally since about May until now, I had been too tired and brain-foggy to function properly again, I was struggling so much... and it's odd because I had tried Ritalin before sometime earlier in this year since I had to drop Adderall. Didn't do shit then, but seems to work now, so I'll take it! All this is to say, I'm much better than I have been. I don't know if it'll last, but for now, I seem good! Here's hoping!!

This is why I've sort of been more active on actually posting to social media, you might see me actually drawing, and commenting on things, and taking selfies, and doing school work, and trying to just... do more. I still do get tired as hell sometimes, especially if I get into shit I'm allergic to, or if I've stayed out with friends for too long, but it's more manageable again and that's all I can really ask for at this point. It's a hard adjustment to go from 0 to like, 80, and I'm far from settled back into life again... but I'm hoping from here, things'll be more steadily on the up and up. I'm big time into the idea of self-actualisation, so I wanna become my best self, even now after all this!